Burning up

I recently listened to the Woman’s Hour Guide to Life episode on Ambition without burnout, and felt a mini pivotal moment within me. It made me realise that what I had thought was a spell of mental unhealth earlier on this year, was actually burnout. And this was the second time in my life! I really need to not allow it to happen again.

Burnout creeps in, insipid and subtle. We start a new job, full of excitement, passion and engagement, and slowly, slowly stress becomes chronic, chronic stress hits a crisis point, and often only then do we realise that we’ve become burnt out.

I’ve certainly felt guilty, or felt there is something ‘wrong’ with me for not being able to do everything. Of course I need to be high achieving in my job, take on additional demands as evidence for my next promotion, be the perfect parent, never be grumpy or snap, always provide perfect nurturing, be a warm and caring friend, who’s always there, be a supportive, fun, caring and sexy partner, keep the house clean and tidy, pay the bills, organise the children’s birthday party, stay fit and trim, be pretty, be witty and bright and sharp…the mind spirals under the pressure.

This guilt is part of the burn out, it pushes us to keep on past our limits. If you’re feeling guilty for not being perfect or doing everything, take a step back and think.

Burnout is a physiological response to chronic stress, not a personal failing. It is not weakness — it’s biology. Our nervous system can only stay in survival mode for so long before something gives.

Healthcare professionals, particularly those in the NHS, are even more vulnerable to this. We go into these careers wanting to help people. In such resource poor conditions, the systems run on ‘good will’ staying late because there are so many patients who want to get home, and their discharge letters need writing, that referral still needs to be done, all the blood tests to review, need to talk to the family, the list is endless. I distinctly remember a junior doctor telling me she had to leave work on time that day, as she’d run out of clean knickers and desperately needed to put a clothes wash on, the bar for wants is pretty low. It’s difficult to explain what it’s like working in the NHS, there’s often a solidarity within NHS workers, as we understand, in a way that is very difficult if one has never worked there. The book ‘This is going to hurt’ if the best rendition I've ever come across.

Burn out is more common in women, we make up more of the caring work roles, and of course it’s great that we’re in work, not limited to staying at home and parenting, but we’re still more likely to do the lion’s share of the house work and parenting, and caring for elderly relatives, whilst still working. It’s no surprise we’re frazzled.

What can we do about it?

Find your values. If you have a value for deep connection, and work in a place which prioritises efficiency and speed over connection, it’s going to grind you down. Find your values, and try to align them. It may not always be possible to align your values with your work, real life and paying the bills is always present, so if you can’t find it in work, find it somewhere else. When you’re tired and worn out, it may not seem appealing to go out and find another activity for your values to be met, but your soul will be so much more at peace, which will provide ease and nourishment, and so energy.

Have a ‘no vocabulary’, it’s so easy to quickly answer “of course” when asked to do something (I am definitely a culprit of this). Have a few quick phrases to respond to such requests, “let me check my calendar”, “I’ll get back to you”, it gives you time to respond and work out if you do actually have capacity to undertake the task.

Next level saying no - “I don’t do that”. If you say I can’t go to that meeting, there’s a chance a persuasive person may coax you into going with platitudes, “it’s really important you’re there” “I’ll make the meeting shorter”. But if you respond with “I don’t go to meetings after 3pm as I need to do the school run”, it’s non-negotiable.

True, no is a complete sentence, and in real life, having a few tools in the bag just makes life smoother and easier.

Learn to drop some balls. Not every area of life needs to be picture perfect, and you’re going to make mistakes, be kind to yourself. Aim for a 70% life, not the instagram reel of posing and gleaming, sparking pictures (which artistically will be cropping out the messy kitchen, or airbrushing the chocolate marks around the children’s mouths). And if you’re at 70% most of the time, when life throws you a curve ball, as it always does from time to time, you’ve got some wiggle room.

And simply be kind to yourself, it’s simple but not always easy. Remember that you deserve care and rest and nourishment, treat yourself like you’re own child. You do not need to be perfect to be adored and loved.

So thank you, Woman’s hour, for reminding me that I definitely do not want to burn out for a third time! And that good enough, is well, good enough.

Signing off for the evening, and going to cuddle up on the sofa with my daughter.